"We are not alright" either

Hello beautiful people, 

Feyikemi (my sister) is currently doing research for a brilliant post on poverty. That is great but I want to take a minute to look at the other end of the spectrum. In comparison to Feyikemi's piece, this is probably trivia but it tugs on the heart of some, nonetheless. Today, I want to talk about privilege.

Confusion, guilt, crippling isolation and unsettling levels of shame are a few companions of many children born into wealth. Though they'd rather die than expose this secret. I was talking to one of my good friends the other day and she poured her heart out to me and said things that she didn't know often kept me awake at night. Our discussion compelled me to write this post, on a subject I didn't quite know how to approach without getting too personal before now. Trust me, we get it. People like to see the suffering and humiliation of the rich. We know, there's nothing new about that. It happens everywhere in the world, alright. Okay, we understand.

However, what we do not know or can't understand, is why people can't see past the facades. Rich people's tears are just as salty. Before you start thinking I'm writing baloney, hold up. If you absolutely cannot feel any sympathy for the rich amongst us, can you at least try to have some sympathy for their children? Yes, there are some things they will never have to worry or even think about in their lives that plague the poor daily, but there is also a great deal they will have to face that the poor cannot fathom.

Photo: winefolly.com

I was shocked that my friend was talking about such a taboo subject that all of us are too scared to talk about but she said something that intrigued me. "Dara, the truth is, maybe our long dead family members that created our name and gathered wealth couldn't complain because it was what they wanted, but I can. We can. We didn't choose to be born into our families and people often forget that. People think, they are from that family, they go to school abroad, their family did this or that, their children are alright. The bitter truth is, we are not alright." Her words stung me and I have replayed them over and over again in my head a thousand times since our lunch date. The amazing part is, this my friend is the most put together person I know. If I were to name drop, half of you wouldn't believe it.

It's very complicated. I can't go into all the details but I have a message. I know more messed up people than not messed up people. And they are all good stock, come from good families, got the best educations, blah blah blah etc. Who our families are, shouldn't determine how we are perceived but unfortunately it does. Keeping up, trying to figure out who we are, trying to deal with the guilt and deep loneliness, is doing more bad than good to innocent children. And the society isn't helping. My friend and I know it happens all over the world, because we both met numerous children from Hong Kong and Russia suffering the same fate at our different boarding schools. I'm not trying to evoke the spirit of the poor little rich girl, I just really want to speak for a small sect of people too scared to speak about a subject we are not allowed to talk about. We, they, have problems. Deep problems that maybe the average man would never understand. Untop of that, we, they, have images to protect. Images other people created for them. They are not allowed to fail, they are not allowed to hurt, they are not allowed to go through bad or difficult times and they are not allowed to cry. 

Well, my friend cried to me and it broke my heart and when I opened up and cried to her, it broke her heart. I can't write half of the things we suffer or enjoy because of who are families are in Lagos but I can tell you that it is not always pretty. The first day one girl told me that she wished she was born into my family, I stared at her for a few moments and wondered how she could see a completely different picture from what I saw. Now, when somebody says that or tells me they wish they were me, I shake my head and smile. I thought I was dressing in a way that misled people to think everything was all sunshine, so I flipped and became carefree. Most times,  even though I'm the most under dressed person in the room, the moment I say my name, it doesn't matter. Everything the people I'm talking to, think they know about my family (good and bad) takes over their minds. 

I know 27 year old men, crippled with the intense pressure to surpass their parents and grandparents, who have crumbled under the burden. They have succumbed to alcohol and drugs to deal with public expectations or to hide from their image. I know girls my age, who are desperately trying not to rock the boats by wearing all the right clothes and behaving in all the right ways, while depression eats deep away at their souls. Despite what you may think you know, my friend was right. Somehow, in the great mystery of life, the people and children that everyone else think have it best or should have it best, don't. In many ways (when you consider the added pressure of maintaining an image that wasn't even created by them) they have it worse. The offspring of the wealthy that many think are alright, are not. For reasons not known to many of us, the privilege we are born into, more often than not, ends up being a curse. Always, remember that before you gloat or wish you were someone else's child. My parting words? In real life, nobody is really better off than anybody. We are all on the same sea. In different boats maybe but the storms, tides and long nights happen to us all and they are no respecter of boats. Well, what do we know? It turns out life is very fair. 

With all my love,

Dara Rhodes

We are all the same

About four years ago now, I studied photography Alevel. And it changed my life forever.

“A photographer must always work with the greatest respect for his subject and in terms of his own point of view.” - Henri Cartier-Bresson - 

We were given a theme at the beginning of the school year and told to develop/express it however we wanted. In AS level ( year 12) I struggled to get my bearing. I tried to do photograpy like every other subject and I think I failed woefully. Photography in yr 12 only taught me how to use my fancy new camera, put together a beautiful sketchbook and the powerful wonders of Adobe Photoshop. Back then, I didn't even know I had failed personally because I still passed the course by just learning that. 

In year 13 and my last year of sixth form, I decided to go deeper. Our theme was 'Alliances and combinations' and with the first mind map I drew, I thought my project was going to be about how important alliances and combinations are. I couldn't have been more wrong. I had learnt all the basics in the previous year but after studying masters of photography like Henri Cartier-Bresson and Richard Avedon for the project, I developed a fresh understanding of the art. 

Photography is so powerful. A good photograph lurks in its viewer's mind forever. A good photograph passes a message like no other media can; sharp, concise, easy and fast. To cut a long story short, I did go deeper, even more than I thought I was going to. My project didn't show how important alliances and combinations are, it ended up showing and teaching me and all my viewers something far more important and powerful.

Be kind.

We are all seeking the same things. Underneath every single human being on this planet, we are exactly the same and we all want the same things. Strip away all our differences, from our accents to our different skin tones to our disabilities and you will find we are all the same. At the core of all of us, we just want; validation and love. 

That project got me the photography award that year and a new level of respect from my photography teacher. However, my greatest joy was seeing viewers stop by my stand in the exhibition hall, fold thier arms across thier chests, study my pictures and then nod when they'd gotten the message. Seeing all those little nods from the other side of the hall and without them knowing I was watching, was and still is my greatest accomplishment.

I'll try to post my conclusion of that project one of these days and some of the photographs I took, but my message to you today is the same one I passed across three years ago through photography. Be kind, every person you meet, no matter how different, or bad, or terrible, just wants validation and love.  Like you.  

    A photographic portrait is a picture of   someone who knows he is being photographed. - Richard Avedon - 1933

Have a wonderful day beautiful people,

With all my love,

Dara Rhodes

1st of October 2014: Nigeria is 54

It's 4:18am and I can't sleep. I always thought I loved Nigeria but the truth is, I loved the idea of Nigeria. I really want to love and adore my country but it is so hard.

I opened twitter and searched the #NigerianIndependenceDay hashtag and my face and heart dropped. Every tweet I saw was declaring its love for Nigeria, talking about how Nigeria is such a wonderful country and praying, God bless Nigeria. 

I'm on my bed wondering if I have missed something. Last year's Independence Day, on my twitter, I rambled on about how Nigeria is not where it's meant to be but is on its way. I professed my undying love and dedication to Nigeria. This year, today, I couldn't. Nigerians really need to stop deceiving themselves. I tweeted about how Nigeria needs to grow up and I got a random reply from somebody I don't know, telling me that no country achieved success overnight. 

I am confused. Can't we see that we are in love with the idea of loving Nigeria? The people praying for God's blessings on Nigeria prayed that prayer probably since they could talk and will pray the same prayer every Independence Day till they die. God forbid, I'll sit and watch. The truth is, God has done his part for Nigeria, he has blessed us already with every good blessing. Nigeria has the natural resources and human capital to be one of the greatest countries in the world, yet our people wallow in abject poverty.

Thinking about Nigeria always makes me sad and evokes very strong emotions in me. Thinking about Nigeria on the 1st of October every year, breaks my heart. It is particularly painful because it is one day that many educated Nigerians take to the internet to say something about the country and a whole lot of them are saying the same, "I love my country" "God bless Nigeria" "Nigeria will get there". 

I didn't even want to write anything about Nigeria today because I knew I didn't have anything new to say. But opening my twitter and seeing what Nigerians had to say about the country kept me awake in my bed. Maybe as the day progresses, the angry Nigerians will hit twitter. The Chibok girls are still missing and 50 per cent of the Nigerians claiming to love Nigeria on Twitter, have never left their state in Nigeria or been to other regions. It's so sad that we obviously desperately want to love our country but the government (present and past) have done little to help us love it. Thus once a year, on the first of October, we deceive ourselves that our very unwell and wicked country is loved and advancing.

   This is how google sees Nigeria. In the words of Fela, suffering and smiling. Suffering and waving our flag seems more apt.

Dara, what exactly are you saying? The summary of my late night tossing and turnings today is, Nigeria needs to grow up. But as we all know, growing up is never easy.

With all my love,

Dara Rhodes

I weep for the 'elites' in my country

   Photo: www.globalreportersvienna.com

I write with a very heavy heart today. 

I have a theory that has been proven. 97 percent of Nigeria is made up of the masses and the 'elites' make up just 3 percent. Hear me out. If you are reading this or have access to the internet, you are in the three per cent. I have been very generous with defining who falls into the 'elite' category. Please locate yourself in the next two paragraphs.

If you can read and write very well, you are in the three per cent. If you went to school and finished your education, you are in the three per cent. If you went to university in England or anywhere else outside Nigeria, you are in the three percent. If you have lived in any developed country for more than three months, you are in the three per cent. I don't care if you lived in a ghetto in that country, you were exposed to how a normal country runs so you are in the three percent. If you are in the lower-middle class, middle-middle class or upper-middle class, congrats, you are in the three percent. If you found yourself in this paragraph, congratulations. You are in the 2.7percent of the three percent and I weep for you.

Now, the 0.3 percent of the three per cent. If your parents went to school in England or America or Switzerland, you are in the 0.3 per cent. If you went to boarding school in England, you are in the 0.3 per cent. If your grandparents were highly educated and/or professionals, you are in the 0.3 xper cent. That's all. If you found yourself in this paragraph, congrats. I weep for you especially. 

The 97 percent did not go to school or were forced to dropped out at some point. The 97 percent are unemployed, young and angry. The 97 percent can't/won't see this on the internet. The 97 percent don't eat three square meals a day. The 97 percent are grassroot politicians. The 97 per cent are Boko Haram recruitable. 

Now, here's why I weep for the three percent. The Nigerian elite. You think all is well. I'm saying 'you' because if you are reading this, you are in the three percent. You wake up in the morning, dress up and drive to work. Your children go to school right? Or, you get on the flight back to school in England after every holiday in Lagos, right? As long as you are moving forward, all is well right? Wrong. 

In England, their boarding schools are full of two major nationalities. Chinese and Nigerians. I went to a girls boarding school in England at the tender age of 12 and my boarding house was full of Chinese girls. My younger sisters and I were the youngest of all the Nigerian boarders. There was only one British girl in the boarding house. Forgive me for what I want to say now but the Nigerian elite are foolish. To them, the education and exposure is about showing off. The Chinese elite are wise. To them, it's about building China. The Chinese elite parents make sure their children get the British education and then throw them into the Chinese political system. There, they use the exposure they got to further whatever agendas they want. Those children go and add value to China. 

In my own beloved country, those children return and behave like they never left. They return and look down on the political system. They insult it and develop the 'as long as my family and I are okay, all is well' mentality. They return and do not add value to Nigeria. 

Here's why I weep for all of us. A Local Government Area (LGA) in Lagos state is made up of 10 to 12 wards. One ward in Animosho ( an LGA looked down upon in Lagos) has 182 polling booths. The same amount of polling booths as the entire Eti-Osa LGA ( A high brow area) The 97 per cent are actively more involved in the politics of our country than all of us 'elite' 

Here's the saddest part, GRA, Ikeja, Vi and Ikoyi (some highbrow areas) are surrounded by ghettos. If the 97 percent were to revolt, all they have to do is cross over. They are a lot more than us in their numbers that all our security men can't stop them. In America, England and all the other developed countries, the elite are in power. In my wonderful country, you get into power and then become 'elite'. Since the real elites with the best education and exposure look down on them and are too cool for politics, the people in power do as they wish. I weep oh. I weep for us. We are literally sitting and waiting for the 97 per cent to get angrier. 

Here's a story for you. A white taxi driver in London once told my friend's father that he has been driving Nigerian children to school from the airport and back for thirty years. He said that one of the children he used to drive invited him to Lagos and he nearly collapsed at what he saw. Where were all the children that he drove to all those schools from the airport and back? He thought. What did they do with the expensive education they got from England? He told my friend's father that he was so disappointed with what he saw in Lagos and Nigeria. When my friend's dad reached his destination, he gave the taxi driver a tip but the man returned it and said, please use that money to transform your country.

I weep for us because we really don't understand how critical Nigeria's situation is. I weep for the Nigerian 'elite' because they are meant to be the bright ones but they are so stupid. 

With all my love,

Dara Rhodes

Allow me introduce, Feyikemi, the thought provoker.

 The devastating news of the Ebola outbreak in Lagos has led to gross agitation nationwide leaving many in a state of both panic and paranoia.

          Photo: Mashable.com

As a result the “Bring back our Girls campaign” has had to take a seat behind the frantic efforts to contain the virus. It is imperative however that the “Bring back our Girls” campaign continues to thrive despite the outbreak of Ebola.This is because although the focus of the country has switched from halting Boko Haram activities to eradicating the Ebola virus, Boko Haram show no signs of ending their reign of terror.

The Boko Haram has long been the cause of the festering wounds of Nigeria. For the past 5 years Nigeria has suffered the loss of over 5,000 of her civilians solely as a result of the Boko Haram. The group notorious for its use of violence as a means of campaign now claims lives at a rate of 200 per week. In just a few days it will be 20 weeks since the abduction of the 279 girls in Chibok. It has been reported that 100 boys were kidnapped by Boko Haram 2 weeks ago. The latest from the terror group is the use of 10 year old girls as suicide bombers. It appears that the terrorists have no intention of quitting but instead are devising novel ways to ensure they are carried out successfully.

The Rwanda genocide should serve as a warning to Nigeria. Earlier this year at the “Understanding early warning of mass atrocities twenty years after the genocide in Rwanda” forum,The Deputy Secretary-General of the UN emphasized the importance of every leadership team in ensuring equality and discourage forms of polarization, religious or racial, to prevent future occurrences like that of the Rwandan Genocide. In Nigeria,we now see the result of the Government's inability to unify the religious divide - the rise of extreme Islamic extremist insurgency.

The “Bring back our Girls” campaign serves as a platform for both the Nigerian and International communities to prevent the Nigerian syndrome in which injustice is swept underneath the rug from kicking in. Now is the time for us Nigerians to push our Government to take action. Failure on our part can only lead to calamitous circumstances.  The pressing need for such a campaign as the "Bring back our Girls" can therefore not be over emphasised.

Lots of love (Lol),

Feyikemi

Feyikemi Rhodes is an 18 year old Nigerian girl who has been in boarding school in England since she was 10 years old. She loves writing, fashion and her country, Nigeria but above all she loves music. She is currently preparing to go to New York for college to study literary studies and will be a frequent contributor/Writer on Exposed Lagosian. Her views are quite different from mine and are thus very welcome. 

Understanding

When I turned 20 years old, my aim for this year was to nurture and cherish all the relationships in my life. As such, I've been thinking a lot about relationships lately. 

One word keeps coming to my mind. Understanding. What you understand, you can accept, what you accept, you can love. I love my two best friends from the bottom of my heart and I have just realized that I love the both of them because I understand them. I understand where they are coming from, so it's easier to be patient, kind and not envious. It's easier to be humble, polite and it's easier to refrain from anger. More so, it's easier to keep believing, keep hoping and it's easier to endure things. 

 My girl best friend was easier to understand but my boy best friend? Lord have mercy. The saying that men are from Mars and girls are from Venus couldn't have been more appropriate when I met him. 5 years on, after a gazillion fights, we can say we finally understand ourselves. Praise The Lord. 

I still think love is the most important thing in a relationship. But I believe that the foundation for love is understanding. Once the foundation has been laid, then and only then can love flourish. As usual, the world has it twisted again. Many of us seek to love first, and then try to understand. Little wonder relationships are so messed up these days. Love without understanding is too ambiguous. It means too many different things to different people. For example, people think love is when he hits you, some others think love is when he can't keep his hands off you and some think love is when you and your best friend talk for hours passing advice back and forth. 

Then again, I think love is a choice. So here's what I've concluded. If you choose to love someone, make sure you seek to understand that person first. 

With all my love,

Dara Rhodes. 

Seek to understand first. Photo: kyliemcgrr.com

Flinstones and the 2015 elections?? What??

The time for elections in Nigeria have come again. Recently, my father likened the Lagos politics to the famed Fred Flintstones and his Dinosaur, Dino. I remember being thoroughly confused but as usual, he cleared my confusion. My father explained that like Dino ran into the house and locked Fred out at the outro of the cartoon, the real people that care for and can affect the lives of the masses, have been locked out and the Dogs are chilling in the house, lording over the Freds.

I love my father. I love him because he has such a deep perspective on everything and a conversation with him challenges me every time. After pondering on what he told me for days and I literally mean, days, I came to my own conclusion. He is right. The real owners have been locked out of power and while I don't know how to play politics, I strongly believe 2015 elections is another opportunity for them to drag Dino out of the house.

If Fred (the people who really care about the masses) banged on the door long enough and the door opened for just a minute, that minute will be the elections. Thankfully, the door is about to open for a minute again. Let's be ready to fight the dogs and free Lagos for good. 

Fred leads Dino and not the other way round. Photo: unmistakenlycoolarchives.blogspot

Have a great day everyone!

With all my love,

Dara Rhodes

A little something from my heart

It better be worth it.

The tears, the pain, the suffering better be worth it.

The disappointments, the loneliness, the struggle better be worth it. 

The headaches, the backaches, the body aches better be worth it. 

The work, the tossing and turning at 2am, the silence better be worth it. 

Whatever 'it' is, had better be worth everything.

           Photo: Heatherclemons.com

Have a great day everyone! 

From my heart to yours,

Dara Rhodes

Quiet; The farthest thing from weak

Hello everyone,

On the 1st of August 2014, I turned 20. On the 1st of August 2014, I completed my one year internship at CNBC Africa. At the send forth and birthday party at my office, everyone gathered to say a few things to me. The two people I liked the least said the same thing and interestingly, the people that knew me the best, disagreed with them. What did they say? Dara is too quiet and needs to be tougher. Basically.

I remember giggling silently to myself that day. If only they knew the truth. I went quiet around them because I know myself. If I was to say the things I wanted to say about whatever they were discussing (which annoyed me most of the time) there'd have been fights and arguments. Thus, considering they are both significantly older than me and I was just "little Dara" I ignored them and played the part of the  naive girl whenever I had to speak to them. Another thing that struck me was how they had associated my quietness with being weak.

Photo: Intersticia.com

Quiet does not mean weak. I don't know when we are going to realise this. Infact, it means the exact opposite. The quiet person has more time to analyse things and in this world where everyone is talking and no one is listening, that person holds significant power. A classic example is my Maya. Maya Angelou went mute for a couple of years as a child. She probably looked weak and dumb but her mind was very alert and look at what she went on to do.

The people that know me, know that I am far from quiet so for the more outspoken ones, I think we could learn something from quiet people. Sometimes, you really just need to be quiet. You'd be amazed at how much you'll see, notice and learn. For the quiet ones, don't worry, being quiet doesn't mean you are weak. In fact, you'd be surprised at how much power you hold.

Have a great day everyone!

With all my love,
Dara Rhodes

Opportunities

Hello everyone, 

I'm sorry I have been absent for so long, there has been tons going on at the same time. I turned 20 on Friday and it was an amazing day! 

Today, I just want to talk about the word, opportunities because my 19th year was filled with them. We all get opportunities. Infact, I believe that opportunities, time and air are the only things that every single person on earth gets. Yes, even the most downtrodden of us get all those three things but we only seem to be aware of air ignoring the other important two. What is the problem? Surely, if every person on earth has those three things life isn't meant to be so difficult, right? Why don't people maximise the opportunities given to them? 

Here's why. Opportunities often come dressed in overalls called hard work. Oil is buried deep onshore and offshore. Diamonds, gold, minerals are all buried deep. You've got to dig it out. A lot of us think opportunities are dressed fancy and so many times we walk past the one in overalls looking for the ones in summer dresses. Time is also critical because there are seasons of opportunities and when we miss them, we may have to wait a while. 

Finally, don't be discouraged if it seems like you never get any big opportunities. You do and you probably have but you just didn't dig it out well enough. Promise me that the next time you see the ones dressed in dirty overalls, you won't walk on by. 

Have a great day everyone!

With all my love,

Dara Rhodes