Abimbola Elizabeth Rhodes (nee- Da Silva)

To Lagos,  Abimbola Elizabeth Rhodes (nee- Da Silva) was the Iyalode,  queen of all its women. 

To Ile- Ife, she is Yeye Apesin, a goddess. 

To her husband, the sun rose and fell at her feet.

At every party she ever attended or hosted, her presence drew attention like the earth draws light from the moon at night. 

To her sisters, she was the imperious voice of command.

To my mother's father, she was very mischievous and literally one of a kind.

All her staff remember her as, the madam that took absolutely no nonsense. 

To her sons and daughter, she was the entire world.

but, to me, a shy little girl, she was only my grandmother. My grandmother who behaved like Queen Elizabeth and whom I loved and adored with all my heart.  

As I grew and silently watched her though, I saw that she wasn't just my little grandma, I saw that she was a powerful lioness that no one in the country dared to cross.. The writing of this post began at the start of this year and I still have no words to fully describe her because of the sheer complexity of her nature and because the more I thought about her, the more I wished I had spent more time with her. 

How could God have given me one of the fiercest women Lagos has ever seen and I didn't spend time with her? How could God have given me such a precious gift and I never opened it? Yet, as if telling me that we are not our mistakes, I feel her so strongly around me. All the time. Reminding me that she gave me all her names for a reason. Reminding me that she was me and I am her. 

I feel her telling me that as long as there is life, there is hope. I feel her telling me that real family is everything. I feel her telling me not to make the same mistakes she did and find God early. I feel her telling me that I am a queen and queens never crawl. I feel her telling me to never lose my dignity and pride. I feel her telling me to never despair and never give up. I feel her telling me to live and learn, to love deeply and fight fiercely for what I believe. I feel her telling me that I must never forget who I am. These words carry me when I get weak and as I remember her on this day, I hope they carry you too when you get tired.

My phenomenal grandmother left us on the 9th of February 2013 and today, three years after her departure, my heart whispers that, Lagos might have lost its first Abimbola Elizabeth Rhodes but Abimbola Elizabeth Rhodes 2.0, an improved, faster, sharper and tad bit less ferocious version is currently in the works. 

I love you forever and ever grandma and Lagos will never forget you.

With all my love, 

Dara Abimbola Elizabeth Rhodes

Lagos, London, New York, Venice, Paris, Calais, Eastbourne, Lindos and Moscow

Once, I had a driver that was constantly going on about how he must travel to the "overseas" and leave Nigeria behind. His dreams amused me and I couldn't bring myself to burst his bubble so I'd sit at the back of the car and listen to him ramble on about all the things he'd do when he got to the "overseas". Now? He's dead. He used our pool one late night when no one was at home and drowned. May his soul rest in peace but that story is for another day. 

                                                Photo credit: www.ladybud.com

Today, after my rant in my last post about being done with Lagos, I can't help thinking about the "overseas" and the xenophobia attacks in SA. I'm thankful for the opportunities I've had to travel to some amazing places but all have led me to a nice little conclusion. 

King Solomon was right, there is nothing new under the sun. Nada. Absolutely nothing. 

Yes, when you travel, the food, the actual sights may be new to you but you've seen the problems and people (maybe with different bodies and skin colours) a thousand times. Venice was particularly eye opening. I walked past a group of people talking about how corrupt their government is and what they must do to deal with their corrupt leaders and I couldn't help but smile. Miles away from Lagos but there I was, listening to the same discussion I had heard over and over again. Only in a different language, about a different country and with gorgeous men talking. 

                                                      Photo: www.twinfinite.com

What about Moscow? Please don't even get me started. Nigeria is in a state right now but so is every other country on this earth. None of them are as sorted as they claim to be, they've just learnt to cover up their messes better than us. To an extent, yes I want to be done with Lagos, but can I ever truly be? At the end of the day, it's the only place I really have. We just have to learn to cover our messes better because if we are being completely honest, evil doesn't only triumph in Lagos, it triumphs all over the world. 

That's all. For now.

With all my love,

Dara Rhodes

Death and marriage and life

Death is hard and painful and bitter. Death is a thief, and a teacher and a mystery. It steals the ones we love away from us, teaches us to value and appreciate the ones we have left and leaves us asking, the puzzling question 'why?'

Ironically, death reminds me of marriage. The wedding, preparations and all the crazy emotions do nothing to prepare you for the reality that is marriage.  Nothing prepares you for the arguments you'll have, the traumas you'll face and the difficulties you'll have to bear together. Nothing prepares you for the sleepless nights and the problematic children. Nothing prepares you for the overwhelming love and hate you will feel for each other at various times. Nothing before your first night as husband and wife prepares you for life with that person.

With death, nothing prepares you for life without your loved one. The funeral, people's condolences and the outpouring of well wishes and prayers do nothing to prepare you for the reality that is death. Nothing prepares you for the emptiness you'll feel. Nothing prepares you for the nightmares, the tossing and turning at night. Nothing prepares you for the days and weeks after all the immediate emotions die. Nothing prepares you for the silence you'll get in return when you call out their name without thinking. Nothing prepares you for the dull permanent ache in your heart that you can't describe to anybody. 

I lost my cousin last week. Before that terrible day, death had been far from me. I hadn't lost anybody close to me and so I never quite understood grief. I always cried when I found out that my friends lost someone close to them but nothing prepared me for the way I felt when I heard I had lost my beloved cousin. At first I felt bone chillingly cold. Then, I felt nothing. Absolutely nothing. I sat on my bed and after staring at the wall for what seemed like eternity, a muffled 'why' escaped from my lips. Why did my nineteen year old cousin have to die? Why did one of the few cousins on my maternal side that I truly love have to die? Why did God allow her to be born if he knew he was going to take her away just after nineteen short years? Why did God allow people to love her deeply and then allow death to rip her away from them?

After asking myself all those questions and more that I'm sure no human being alive can answer, I came to a startling conclusion. Death is hard and painful and bitter. Death is a thief, and a teacher and a mystery. But eerily like marriage, once the charade is over, we have to find a way to accept it and move on. Unlike marriage though, death is the end. The end of life as you knew it but the beginning of a new life. Both for you and the person you've lost. Losing someone you deeply love changes something at your core forever. I still haven't been able to cry for Temi yet but I know that very soon, like a couple settling into their marriage, the reality that I've lost someone I truly loved will hit me. And all I can pray for myself, is the strength to accept it then and keep her in my heart but move on. Death is the end but life, no matter how hard, painful or bitter it may be right now, isn't. 

This is for you, Oluwagbotemi Braithwaite. I will always love you and I thank you for the precious but too few moments we shared together that were full of laughter and the warmth you radiated so beautifully. I don't know why you had to go but I thank you for the love you gave so effortlessly while you were with us. Right now, all I pray for is divine strength for your immediate family.

From your cousin and with all my love, 

Dara Rhodes