The cloud that never leaves

     Photo credit: bengaliclicker.com

Can I tell you about the cloud that never leaves?

The cloud doesn’t care about who you are. The cloud doesn’t care about how much money you have or what your family has. The cloud doesn’t care about how amazing you are or how much everyone around you loves you. It doesn’t care that you have a beautiful life. 

The cloud only cares about consuming you. About filling you with hopelessness too great for words.

It hangs and lurks. Hangs above you, never letting you out of its sight. Lurks, in the shadows waiting for the perfect moment to pounce and attack. Always waiting and always ready.

The cloud may leave you in peace today but it can’t promise you won’t have a category 5 hurricane tomorrow morning. 

When you are sad and you don’t know why because you have no reason to be sad, it’s the cloud. When you cry and you don’t know why because you have no reason to cry, it’s the cloud.

It’s not you, it’s the cloud. The cloud is a demon. The doctors call it depression but you know it’s a demon. A demon pretending to be a cloud. 

When the cloud releases what it is carrying, when it releases the thunderstorms, category 5 hurricanes, snow, rain and hailstones all at once, don’t fight back. How can you? 

Stand. Stand or sit or cry but don’t break. Don’t let the weight of it all crush you. 

You must not let it crush you. You must not break. You must rise up. 

Rise up and burn. Burn the whole building down, burn and keep burning till the flames go up into the cloud and the cloud leaves. Even if it is for a moment. 

What triggers this attack? What triggers such a horrible attack? A cruel word said innocently, an overwhelming situation, confusion, happiness, good things, nothing. 

But when the demon attacks, it attacks in full force. It pounces on your mind and devours it completely till you feel like you cannot breathe. 

People see sadness on your face but have no idea that the sadness in your heart is greater than what your face can ever express. 

People see you sad and think you just want attention when the only thing you want, is to disappear. 

“You have no reason to be sad” they say. 

“Well, tell that to the demon behind me or the cloud above me,” I think, but don’t say. 

To the people that know this cloud, this demon they call depression, know that everything will be okay. Maybe not today but someday it will be. 

And to the people that don’t know this cloud, the cloud that never leaves, thank God every single day.

With all my love,
Dara Rhodes

Tunji Braithwaite & Dara Rhodes

I lost my grandfather on the 28 of March this year and I still can't believe it. I have started and scrapped this post over a thousand times since then, unable to write about him in past tense.

All my life till that day in March, Tunji Braithwaite was just my over-involved-in-my-life grandpa. He wanted to know how I was doing in school, how I was doing at work, what I wanted to be and how I planned on getting there. I disagreed with him and he disagreed with me. When he upset me, I wrote him strong messages and when he gladdened me, I gave him big hugs. I lived with him, played with him, fought with him, prayed with him, followed him to places, learnt from him but most importantly loved him with all of me. He was the first person to tell me I'm gifted and the second person (only after my father) to tell me that there's "something" about me.

His death really shook me because I was always sure he'd be at my wedding, sure he'd bless my children at their naming ceremonies. I assumed he'd be the one that will pray over my own mansion. I assumed, he'd always be there,  fighting and loving. Yes, he was 82 but death never crossed my mind whenever I thought about him. I worried about him turning 90 and prayed that he'd never loose his strength but I never ever worried that he might die soon.

He called me Dara Rhodes before I even knew what that meant, read every article I wrote, constantly told me to be fearless and constantly reminded me that I am his granddaughter. So today, I am nothing but grateful. Grateful to have known you as well as I did and grateful to have your blood in me. 

Since that day, I have read and listened to hundreds of people and articles talk and write about my grandpa. And even though I'm sure you didn't know grandpa, your people really loved you.

This one is for you Olatunji Akintunde Braithwaite, thank you for every single thing and I promise to never forget.

From the bottom of my heart,

Dara Rhodes

Abimbola Elizabeth Rhodes (nee- Da Silva)

To Lagos,  Abimbola Elizabeth Rhodes (nee- Da Silva) was the Iyalode,  queen of all its women. 

To Ile- Ife, she is Yeye Apesin, a goddess. 

To her husband, the sun rose and fell at her feet.

At every party she ever attended or hosted, her presence drew attention like the earth draws light from the moon at night. 

To her sisters, she was the imperious voice of command.

To my mother's father, she was very mischievous and literally one of a kind.

All her staff remember her as, the madam that took absolutely no nonsense. 

To her sons and daughter, she was the entire world.

but, to me, a shy little girl, she was only my grandmother. My grandmother who behaved like Queen Elizabeth and whom I loved and adored with all my heart.  

As I grew and silently watched her though, I saw that she wasn't just my little grandma, I saw that she was a powerful lioness that no one in the country dared to cross.. The writing of this post began at the start of this year and I still have no words to fully describe her because of the sheer complexity of her nature and because the more I thought about her, the more I wished I had spent more time with her. 

How could God have given me one of the fiercest women Lagos has ever seen and I didn't spend time with her? How could God have given me such a precious gift and I never opened it? Yet, as if telling me that we are not our mistakes, I feel her so strongly around me. All the time. Reminding me that she gave me all her names for a reason. Reminding me that she was me and I am her. 

I feel her telling me that as long as there is life, there is hope. I feel her telling me that real family is everything. I feel her telling me not to make the same mistakes she did and find God early. I feel her telling me that I am a queen and queens never crawl. I feel her telling me to never lose my dignity and pride. I feel her telling me to never despair and never give up. I feel her telling me to live and learn, to love deeply and fight fiercely for what I believe. I feel her telling me that I must never forget who I am. These words carry me when I get weak and as I remember her on this day, I hope they carry you too when you get tired.

My phenomenal grandmother left us on the 9th of February 2013 and today, three years after her departure, my heart whispers that, Lagos might have lost its first Abimbola Elizabeth Rhodes but Abimbola Elizabeth Rhodes 2.0, an improved, faster, sharper and tad bit less ferocious version is currently in the works. 

I love you forever and ever grandma and Lagos will never forget you.

With all my love, 

Dara Abimbola Elizabeth Rhodes

What Are You Looking For?

Dija of Mavins (One of the members of the biggest music dynasty in Nigeria) is my friend/sister. She became my friend months before she was signed onto Mavins and she is one young woman I really respect and love. 

Well, during one of our many talks before she became Nigeria's sweetheart, she told me something I'll never forget and something I want to share with you all as 2015 draws to a close. She said "Dara, the funny thing in this life is, whatever you are looking for is right where you started." 

She is very right and I was reminded of how right she is today. I decided to clear out an old shelf in my room and sort out all the old books on it from my primary school days to my uni days. I had completely forgotten I used to make magazines and sell to my friends in years 5& 6, so when I saw one of the magazines tucked away at the bottom of the shelf, it took my breath away. You see, I had decided very early on that I wasn't going to be another Nigerian girl that went to uni in England to do law and then abandon my degree later on. For some reason unbeknownst to me, finding my "passion" or studying what I really want to be studying was very important to me. 

It took me two confusing and very difficult years of uncertainty and many many career talks and private discussions to finally (re-)discover that the media is where my heart is at. My heart knew it in year 5 & 6 when I was a shy little girl 'publishing' and selling THREE different magazines but I had somehow convinced my head that law was what I was called to do in life. I thank God for not giving me peace about law and I thank God for redirecting me back to the beginning. But, I can't help but wonder if those two years would have happened and were necessary if I had somehow just remembered where I started or somehow stumbled upon this magazine then. 

I really believe that God has a hand on my life so I'm not too bothered about those two years now but at the same time, I kinda wish somebody would have just said, "Dara honey, your answer is right where you started. Look back." As we prepare to enter in 2016, I want to tell some, (not all) of you, that maybe, just maybe, the answer that you seek really isn't rocket science and that maybe, just maybe, the answer you so desperately seek is where you started.

I wish you all a wonderful and lovely new year!! 

From the bottom of my heart,

Dara Rhodes

Nigeria Concerns You!!!

I just watched something that made me cry. Tears of anger and pain and tears of deep sadness. As a media student, you are taught to be almost skeptical of the industry and to analyse every information you receive via the media so my mind subconsciously approached the video with guarded caution.

However, half way through it I caught myself, let my guard down and just watched it. Not with my head or media brain but with my heart and then it made me cry. I know the video had a motive but at this point, I couldn't care less about that because it said the truth. The truths every Nigerian has lived through, or seen or heard. I've written it over and over again on this blog and I will keep writing it till it is no longer true. Nigeria is a mess! A huge mess and even more than the government, the people that think it doesn't really corncern them (the middle class and upper middle class), are the biggest contributors to this mess!

It concerns you! Everything about Nigeria concerns you! The politics of the country corncerns you! Yes, you reading this! IT CONCERNS YOU! It concerns you if you are Nigerian (regardless of if you live in the country or not), it corncerns you if you have Nigerian children, it concerns you if you live and work in the country. It concerns you!

I am sick and tired of middle to upper middle class Nigerians constantly behaving like the affairs of the country don't corncern them till it starts affecting their very personal pockets! Those classes are the most selfish if you ask me! The upper classes could easily pretend it doesn't concern them too but many of them are even the most corncerned. 

I've said it before on this blog and I'll repeat it again now! All is NOT well with Nigeria! Don't be deceived! If you think that you are okay because you have a nice little house in Lekki or Banana Island now and your children go to a better school than you did, I pity you! You better be worried! Yes! Maybe if we were all worried about the country, maybe something would have changed. I write about Nigeria because I'm constantly worried about the country. I wasn't born in America, so how can I not be worried?! I literally don't have another country. (Another discussion entirely).

I've seen that the moment I leave my house and family, everybody else in the city seems to be fine with the unfineness (permit my use of this word) of the country! Stop suffering and smiling! I grew up listening to Fela and I am tired of seeing all his 'prophesies' about Nigeria come to pass! Stop pretending like our sick, sick country is well! Drop the fascade, start actively behaving like everything concerns you and maybe, just maybe, our sick country will slowly start getting better. 

Now, watch the video; http://www.pbs.org/newshour/bb/how-a-cancer-of-corruption-steals-nigerian-oil-weapons-and-lives/ 

With all my love, 

Dara Rhodes 

Well done, England.

              Photo: Duks arts

Clap for yourselves! You have successfully deported 500 Nigerians! Congratulations! How do you feel? I hope you feel wonderful! I can't even be angry with England. No, I can't, you have to protect your own country. 

My real anger is at my country. Nigeria. Would all those people have illegally clung to England if Nigeria valued their lives? Would they all have refused to voluntarily go back home if they knew they had something to go back home to? I love Nigeria but truthfully, Nigeria disgusts me! Fela was right as usual. We complain of racism but we treat ourselves worse. I wonder what would happen if all the Nigerians in England left and boycotted the country. I wonder if Tatler Magazine would have to write an article titled, "The Nigerians have left" in response to the one they wrote titled, "The Nigerians have arrived". I wonder if the boarding schools and unis in England would suffer but most importantly, I wonder if Nigeria and the Nigerians at home would be ready for all the 'I just got back' people. 

My grandparents on my paternal and maternal side destroyed (burnt) their British passports when they were a little older than I am now. That was how much they believed in their own country and their generation. It is so sad that the country they proudly rejected is now disgracefully rejecting their own fellow Nigerian citizens. I feel sorry for the deportees but this is not the end. No, far from it, in fact this is the beginning.

Sure, you are allowed to feel all the initial emotions from shame to fear of the unknown but don't get stuck there. You are home now and no one can take this one away from you. If you hadn't been to Nigeria in a while, I have good news. Nigeria has changed and is changing in amazing ways. Not necessarily because of the new government (far from it to be honest) but because Nigerians are changing. The landscape is changing. There are numerous opportunities now, you just have to be open to them and be willing to work. 

I love Nigeria! Yes, I said I'm disgusted by her but I love her nonetheless. And I hope you all fall in love with her too! I pray for strength for you and I pray you see that the Nigeria you left all those many years ago is not the same one you have returned to. (Though it may seem so at first) 

Have a wonderful evening/day you all! 

With all my love,

Dara Rhodes

100th post.

Hello beautiful people,

I spent the 1st of November 2015, reflecting. The biggest most important lesson I've learnt this year is, all things go. Good, bad, dynasties, governments, people, friends, family, jobs, problems etc go. All things go. 

Cherish every moment and every person because they will go. And you will never get them back once they are gone. I leave you with the words of Nicki Minaj from her hit song.

Photo: typewriterquotemeup.com

With all my love,
Dara Rhodes

Kings and Queens

Hello beautiful people, 

                                                 Photo credit: hbansari.wordpress.com

A queen/king can fall, fail and lose but that doesn't mean she/he is not a queen/king. 

You can lock up a queen/king, beat her/him and maltreat her/him but that doesn't mean her/his throne still isn't there. 

A queen/king can get her/his hands dirty but it doesn't mean her/his hands no longer belong to the queen/ king.

You can even take away her/his crown and keep her/him in the darkest part of your house for months and years, she/he is still a queen/king. 

No matter what you do to a queen/king and no matter how far away from her/his throne you take her/him, she/he will survive because she/he knows that her/his throne is waiting. It will always be waiting. 

You may not have a kingdom or be born into royalty but are the queen/king of your life never, ever forget that. 

With all my love,

Dara Rhodes

Much of life is complicated.

"All you really need to know for the moment is that the universe is a lot more complicated than you might think, even if you start from a position of thinking it's pretty damn complicated in the first place."- Douglas Adams.

Hello beautiful people,

Can you believe we are in October already?! I most certainly can't. I hope you all have had a good year so far, and if you haven't, I hope the rest of the year turns out amazing! 

Since the last time I wrote on here, two major things have happened.

 1) My best guy friend (see last post) and I have kinda made up. 

2) My beloved country, Nigeria celebrated her 55th year of independence. 

I'll start with Nigeria. On the 1st of October, I wrote a post but didn't post it because it read too much like the Independence Day post I wrote last year. (Not much had changed to me). However, today, I went to church and at the end of the service, we sang the national anthem and I cried. I hadn't sung or really listened to our anthem in such a long time, I'd forgotten how beautiful it is. Yes, everything I wrote in the post on Thursday is true- I'm still angry with Nigeria and I don't think we are really independent yet- but (and a very big but) I really, really love Nigeria. It's a very complicated thing in my head.

Unto number two. My best guy friend. I expressed my total dislike for him in my last post and even though only very little has changed, something has changed and for the simple fact that he is truly my best friend, that little change had me willing to forgive him. Again. This situation is also very complicated in my head. I love him but hate him so much too. I told my close cousin the situation yesterday and his reply was one of the best things I've heard all year. "Dara, best friendships are complicated. Infact, much of life is complicated."

In response, I nodded my head in agreement but I couldn't help thinking about his words today. He is very right. My love for Nigeria and my best friend are two very very different things but somehow the same; complicated. And guess what? It is okay. I am/was such a perfectionist, everything in my life had to be either white or black. All the grey areas were not allowed to be grey, they had to pick a side. That is good sometimes, but sometimes, one (me and maybe you) has to realise that life isn't just black and white. It does have grey, blue, yellow and every other colour that has ever been discovered. You can love somebody or a country and get mad or angry at the person or country. We can fight and make up and fight again and make up again. We can hate our countries and run to other countries and run back to ours again and run to other countries when we begin to hate our country again. Please by all means be a stable human but when life becomes complicated as it often tends to, don't despair. Why? Well, because much of life is extremely complicated.

     Photo: keshavasari.wordpress.com

With all my love,

Dara Rhodes

It's Really Not That Amazing

Hello beautiful people,

         Photo: quotesvalley.com

I know it has been a while but I've been busy living and enjoying 21. Omg! 21! Sometimes I still need somebody to pinch me, I can't believe I'm 21! The oldies will think I'm utterly ridiculous but I feel like I'm getting old, people. :'( Anyway, away with all the talk about ageing, I'm here to write about something completely different today.

The summer I turned sixteen, I wanted something. As I was in an all girls boarding school in England at that time, I knew I was going to have to work for it, but I wanted it nonetheless. I didn't know what it would do to me or how it would affect the next 5 years of my life if I got it, but I wanted it. And what Dara Rhodes wants, she gets. Thus, in my usual manner, I scoured the internet for information on the subject and read every word about it on every website I could find, determined to get it and do it very differently. 

So what exactly did I want? Simple. I wanted a boy best friend. Lol, yes. A Nigerian boy best friend, might I add. I have an amazing girl best friend but I wanted the boy best friend I had read about one too many times. I wanted the wonderful one that was always there, the one that listened and did everything the blogs described. I was convinced my life needed a male best friend to balance my friendship triangle and so I went out and got one. Lol, it wasn't that easy but it almost was. A month before my birthday, one innocent (well, not so innocent now) boy asked me out and there I saw my perfect opportunity. I said, I'd much rather be your best friend and he begrudgingly accepted after telling me boys and girls can't be friends. Armed with my determination and unshakeable will power, we began our best friendship. 

We fought every time we met up (not entirely sure why) but met up every single day of that summer regardless. It was amazing and heart wrenching at the exact same time but we trugded on. I went back to England and he went to uni in America. We didn't speak when we were apart but once Summer/Christmas arrived and we were both in Lagos, it was like we had never been apart. We fought and hung out all the time, everyday. 

To cut a very long story short, after 5 painful and awesome years as best friends, he is no longer my best friend or even friend at all now (or at least till we are both in Lagos next year). Though he came with an extra special dose of unique issues, I think I agree with whoever said boys and girls can't be best friends. We will always love ourselves (or at least I will always love him) but we just simply hurt each other too much.

The day after my 21st, I called him and informed him of my decision to break up our best friendship and I think he was shocked or maybe he wasn't (you never know with him). It was a break up like none other so I didn't quite know what to expect (I've never 'broken up' with my best friend before) but it was difficult. It felt like a real break up and even though he is still the second person (my girl best friend is the first) I always want to share my good/bad news with but can't, it is getting slightly easier everyday. 

The point of this beautiful sob story? Getting what you want isn't all it's cracked up to be. Every single time I've gotten what I wanted, which is 99% of the time ( I've perfected the art!), I've been minorly if not grossly disappointed. So the next time you don't get what you want, don't get your knickers in a twist, simply thank your stars and move on, after all, they could be saving you from five years of avoidable pain. Lol!

But then again, I have just acquired a new boy best friend and he is really that amazing! Lol! 

Have a wonderful day/ evening!

With all my love, 

Dara Rhodes